I felt like I would be in a mentally strong place this holiday season, but it’s the weekend after Thanksgiving and I’ve had a pretty rough, emotional day. When you’ve been through any kind of loss, the holidays can be a hard time. Even though many people don’t know about our pregnancy losses, they are just as real as any other loss. The pain and heartache at the holidays from miscarriage is so hard to handle. I can’t tell you I have any great answers, but I’d like to share how I’m handling these painful dates and celebrations in case it may be helpful to some of you.
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I have had 4 miscarriages and a chemical pregnancy, and so the calendar can feel like it’s full of landmines sometimes. November and December have been particularly difficult, with due dates just before Thanksgiving and on Christmas Eve. I also had bleeding start on my birthday last year, and I missed the early Christmas celebration with my in-laws once because I was actively miscarrying. And even though this year I’m in a better place and currently have a healthy pregnancy, I can’t help but grieve what I’ve lost.
So what am I doing to get through the holidays?
Make time for grief
First, I’m trying to be intentional about making time for grief. It becomes incredibly busy around the holidays, with family get-togethers, holiday prep, and gift shopping. This year, I’m saying no to some things that I usually do. I’m trying to keep plans simple and not commit to too much. And if I need it, I’m going to take a day here or there to just be sad and grieve. This is not always something I’m good at. I like everything to be perfect, and I’ll work hard and lose sleep to make it happen. But in this season of my life, I need that extra time for myself to process that grief and that’s OK.
Make new memories for painful dates
Another thing I’m trying to do is to redeem some of those dates that are tied to bad memories. The biggest one is my birthday. Last year I was on track for a fabulous day. I started with doughnuts and a used bookstore with my parents and son, and planned to go out with my husband when he was done with work. Instead, I got home from the bookstore and started with heavy, bright red bleeding. My husband came home to find me crying in the dark. And now, I’m dreading my birthday. I thought about going to the bookstore again, and reliving that day with a better outcome. But I just don’t think I can handle that.
What has worked well in the past is planning low pressure activities with my family to keep busy. Maybe something at home or their houses, baking together or playing board games. They know what I’ve been through, and will be supportive no matter how I’m feeling that day. And it’s so much better than puttering around at home, feeling sorry for myself.
Traditions
Normally, I am a creature of habit and I thrive on family traditions. But there are seasons to let go, and this is one of those seasons. I’m going to keep traditions that work and still bring me joy. But I’m also going to feel free to drop or change traditions that bring up old hurts.
One thing I’m letting go of this year is our Advent Calendar. I’ve always loved an Advent Calendar of activities and treats to get our family in the Christmas spirit. But the past 2 years, due to our losses, the Advent calendar plans have been disrupted time and again. I tried to get it out and look at some activities we could do, and I decided just to put it aside. We’ll still do Christmas decorating and have holiday fun, but more flexible.
Maybe in the future, I’ll want to get the Advent calendar out again. But right now, it just seems to represent the complete lack of control I’ve felt in my life over the past 2 years. While I know in my head that I don’t have control, it’s still a hard reality to cope with. I keep leaning into my God and my faith, knowing He is the only one with control. And I’m trying to let go, and for this year that includes letting go of some traditions.
I considered whether I wanted to incorporate honoring our 5 angel babies into the holidays. As of now, I’ve decided not to. My living son is still young, and while we openly discuss our losses in our home, he doesn’t really understand that those are his siblings that we have lost. While I want to have honest discussions with my son about these losses as he grows in understanding, I have enough grief in the holiday season. I don’t need to introduce something this Christmas that will lead to questions from my son and reliving grief and pain over and over again for my husband and me. We’re not ready. I think we’ll get there, but not this year yet.
For the future, I love the idea of choosing children from the Angel Tree that are close to the age of our angel babies. Then, we could pick out gifts with our son and talk about our babies. I don’t want the memory of our loss to dominate the Christmas season, so for me I don’t want to hang 5 tiny stockings or memorial ornaments to see every day. But giving special Angel Tree gifts will do good for others, and allow me to honor and remember the children that I lost in a positive way.
How are all of you handling the holidays? I’m praying for each one of you that is reading this, that you may find peace and hope this holiday season. Whatever losses we have gone through, my hope endures, in the confidence that one day we will be in the presence of our Lord God in a world made new, with no more death or sorrow or tears. As we celebrate Christmas, I will praise the Lord for the birth of Jesus Christ, because never in my life have I relied so desperately on my hope in Christ as I have since I have experienced the grief of miscarriage.