If you’ve read a bit about me, you know that I’ve had one living child, followed by 3 missed miscarriages, a chemical pregnancy, and another miscarriage (learn more about my miscarriage experiences here). And here I am, pregnant again and waiting. Waiting until my early ultrasound to find out what happens next. Pregnancy after loss is so difficult. Even with so much “experience”, it is still a challenge for me. If you’re experiencing this too, I’m sorry. I’m sorry that the losses you’ve experienced have stolen some of that joy of pregnancy. It’s hard to watch a friend or family member get so excited, announce a pregnancy early without any doubts, or start buying baby items during the first trimester. Our reality is different now, but there are some things we can do to cope with pregnancy after loss.
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Talk to a trusted friend, a family member, or another woman with pregnancy loss
With pregnancy after loss, many women including me are not sharing our pregnancy news with very many people. When you’re trying to keep a secret, that anxiety can eat you up. I find it goes better when I choose a trusted person to be my confidant with everything related to the pregnancy. Of course I could talk to my husband, but sometimes I need another person to share with. For me, it’s my parents and my in-laws, because I know they will be good listeners and support no matter what happens.
Choose wisely
Think about how people responded to your pregnancy loss, and choose someone who is caring, and sensitive to what you have gone through. Also make sure they are good at keeping your secrets. That may be your parent, or a sibling. If you’re not comfortable speaking with family, choose a trusted friend or another woman you know who went through pregnancy loss.
Talk through your concerns and hopes, even if it feels a bit crazy
What we’re going through is crazy. We’re hopefully moving forward into the unknown. We know the pain that could wait for us, and we’re emotionally scarred by what we experienced. Talking to a friend won’t “fix” our worries, but it can help us get out of our own heads. A trusted person can be a listening ear, a calm presence, and help create a safe space for us to feel what we’re feeling. I think it’s best to have a real person who can be with you or chat on the phone with you when you need someone. But if you don’t have that kind of person in your life, there is support for you online.
Reddit and Support groups
I personally found comfort, information, and the feeling that I was not alone on the subreddit r/miscarriage and r/pregnancyafterloss. All the things I was experiencing and worrying about, these women were experiencing too. And they were so overwhelmingly supportive, hopeful, positive, and a loving community even though we’ve never met.
If you don’t have a good support system, please check out these groups. Please also feel free to contact me. I care deeply about each one of you, having gone through this pain myself, and I will listen to your story if you need.
Read Scripture and Pray
Nothing can help more in a time of distress and worry than clinging to the Rock. God is constant, unchanging. While I feel lost and out of control, he is present, loving, and his promises endure. It can be hard to understand how evil like the death of our precious babes is permitted, but this world is marred by sin and not the perfect world God created it to be. He has allowed us free will, and with the free will death and sin have entered the world. But that’s not the end. God has promised the victory in Jesus, and his promises never fail.
While I wish that I had been able to hold my babies, I am comforted that they are loved by God and have never experienced the pain in this world. While the world will never even know about my babies, they are precious souls loved by God. And I know that God loves this new baby inside me as well.
If you don’t know where to start in scripture, open a Bible or find a Bible app online, and look at the promises in Revelation 21: 3-7. Read about Jesus Christ in Matthew, Mark, Luke, or John. And take a look at Job, for the perspective of a man who suffered deep losses.
Write yourself a note with an encouraging phrase
Sometimes I’ve been buoyed by an encouraging thought, and it carries me through. Other times, these don’t work for me at all. If it works for you, fabulous. If not, just ignore these. Here are a few common phrases that people who are pregnant after loss find encouraging.
Today, I am pregnant
Sometimes, this one works for me. It’s simple, but it helps me focus on the present instead of worries for the future that I can neither predict nor control. Today I am pregnant.
This is a different pregnancy
It’s easy to draw parallels with your pregnancy loss and expect the worst. I had implantation bleeding with the last miscarriage and with this new pregnancy, but this does not mean that this will be the same as last time. This is a new pregnancy, each pregnancy is different, and there is hope.
I trust my baby and my body
This one is helpful for others, but hard for me. After my missed miscarriages, I don’t trust my body no matter how much I try. But if this works for you, try it. The fact is, that a healthy fetus is resilient.
Here are a few others that don’t work for me, but may work for you:
The only way out is through
My past is not my future
What if everything goes right?
It’s OK to take extra care of yourself
Sometimes I feel guilty for not getting done what I normally would. But when you are going through pregnancy after loss, it’s rough. You are going through the fatigue and symptoms of early pregnancy, as well as the worries and grief of pregnancy after loss. If you’re like me, you may even have side effects from medications, like progesterone, making you feel even worse. Take some extra time for yourself, and let the dishes set a bit. Take a nap if you need it. Walk or sit outside. Schedule a fun outing if you feel up to it, to keep yourself distracted.
I’m blessed that my husband is very understanding. When I tell him I feel bad about not getting something done because I didn’t feel up to it, he’ll say “Your body is working, you’re growing a baby, we think”. Hard to be optimistic even for him after all our losses, but it’s a good reminder. If you don’t have the person to speak this into your life, let me say it for you. Your body is going through a lot of changes, and there is a lot on your mind. Take time for yourself and don’t feel guilty about it.
Ask for early testing, or don’t
After pregnancy loss, some providers will offer you early testing immediately when you tell them about your pregnancy. Other providers won’t. Feel free to ask them for early testing if it will make you feel better. If you think it will make you feel worse, you can also say no to the early testing and wait it out. Sometimes, I wanted to have any possible bit of information to hold on to and did every test I could. For this pregnancy, I found all of that stressful. To be honest, I had a good hCG level, progesterone, and early ultrasound and still went on to have losses. This time, I feel better saying no to those early tests.
What kind of early tests should I expect
When you first learn you are pregnant, you can get a blood draw for hCG and progesterone levels. hCG levels vary widely from pregnancy to pregnancy, so to learn anything valuable about the pregnancy, you will need to be retested 48 hours later. The important part for hCG is how quickly hCG is doubling. For progesterone, if you have low levels your provider may prescribe a progesterone supplement (oral, vaginal or a cream)
Ultrasounds can’t show much very early on, and small variations in the start date of the pregnancy can make a big difference. For a brief description of how the start date of the pregnancy can vary, even if you know the date of your last period, check out this article and scroll down to “How do I know when I should start testing?”.
You may be offered an early ultrasound at 5 or 6 weeks, but may only expect to see a gestational sac or fetal pole. At week 6, you could see fetal cardiac activity (heartbeat), but may not yet. By 7-8 weeks, you should see a heartbeat as long as pregnancy dating is accurate. At 9-10 weeks, the baby should have continued to grow, and the rates of miscarriage will have continued to decrease.
If you feel better getting an ultrasound as soon as possible, then go for it. Just be aware that you may not see a heartbeat and may need to continue to wait. If you would feel better waiting a few weeks for an ultrasound, knowing that you will see with more certainty if it will be a good outcome, that’s fine too. That’s the route I’m taking this time around. It’s hard to wait, but I feel I need to have a sense of confidence when I leave that appointment.
Remove yourself from social media that causes anxiety
Being a part of an online miscarriage support group can be great. But if you are hearing stories that increase your anxiety while you’re pregnant, remove yourself from that for a time. If seeing a friend’s frequent belly bump pictures is bothering you, mute them on social media or let them know not to send you any updates. Or maybe remove yourself from social media completely for a bit. Sometimes even the advertisements that I get on social media are pregnancy related and I just don’t want to see it.
Gracefully decline baby shower invitations and feel no guilt
If you want to go, then you should. But if you just got an invitation and you’re feeling a sense of dread, then don’t go. A close friend sent a baby shower invitation, and I declined. You can handle this however you want, but here’s what I did.
My friend already knew about my miscarriages, and has been one of those people who keep checking in on me. After I got the invitation and cried a bit, I started texting her. It was easiest for me to phrase everything carefully, just the way I wanted, by texting. I know that if I had tried to call her or do it in person, it wouldn’t have come out right. My message said: “I’m sorry but I won’t be able to come to your baby shower. After all my losses, I don’t think I can handle a party that is all about babies. I care about you and your baby and I still want to be included in big moments in your life. I would like to come and meet your little one when she is born.”
If you don’t want to make any plans to meet any new babies right now, that’s understandable too. For me, I knew that coming to my friend’s house would be a safe place. If I held her baby and felt sadness, she would be accepting of that and supportive. Fortunately, I did get to go meet that baby, and it went really well. I really enjoyed my time with my friend and her little one and the afternoon didn’t end in tears. But, you never know. On a rough day, it could have hit me completely differently.