How to Support a Loved One Experiencing Miscarriage

After my miscarriages, some people have been a wonderful support. Other people said things that were well-intentioned but hurtful. It is hard to know how to respond to a friend or family member who is grieving. Some people intuitively do a great job. I always want to help, but I also struggle to know what to do or say in times of grief and loss. Here are some of the best ways that you can support a loved one experiencing miscarriage or pregnancy loss.

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Grieving looks different for each person

One important thing to realize is that each person is going to go through the grieving process in their own way. And each day can be different. After miscarriage, your loved one may want to hide away at home and be pampered. On another day, they may want to venture out of the house and be treated like normal. It’s a hard balance, and the best way to know is just to ask.

Don’t simply ask, “How can I help?” and stop at that. When I was grieving, I was not able to answer that question. It seemed like everything in my life was falling apart, and I couldn’t settle on something tangible that could be done. Try to offer specific things. What can I get you at the grocery store? Do you want me to come hang out with you? Would you like a cup of coffee?

If you don’t know what to offer, here are some of the best things people did for me:

Bring Food

When you are grieving, going through difficult hormonal changes, and possibly even in pain from a miscarriage, figuring out what to eat can be a chore. Some people may not even feel much like eating, but know that they should be. Bringing food is a great way to show you care.

Bring some meals that can be refrigerated or frozen and made whenever the grieving Mom and Dad are hungry. Or call ahead and bring a ready-to-eat meal. If they want to talk, stay a bit and listen. If they don’t want to talk to anybody, you can even leave it at the door and text that the food is there.

If you know that your spouse or family member was having a hard time giving up a certain food during pregnancy, bring it over. I told my husband that if I was going to miscarry, at least I was going to eat as much lunch meat as I wanted. Other foods that they may have avoided during pregnancy include sushi, wine, caffeinated coffee, raw cookie dough, ring bologna, or poached eggs.

If you aren’t sure what they may want, a gift card for food, especially takeout or delivery is always a winner. When your loved one may not feel much like eating, it can be good to be able to order whatever food they want when the mood strikes.

Bring a Favorite Cup of Tea or Coffee

If you want to check in on how your loved one is doing, bring them a cup of tea or coffee from their favorite place. Ask if they’d like you to stay a bit. Follow their lead, and be prepared to go if asked or to stay and listen.

Listening is More Important Than Talking

Call on the phone or chat in person. If you don’t know what to say, your best choice may be to say nothing at all. Sit together in silence, your presence is important. Grieving a miscarriage is a lonely process. Many people will never your loved one had a miscarriage. Others will minimize the pain of a miscarriage. Knowing that a friend or family member cares about your grief and the baby you lost brings comfort. Just listen to whatever your loved one wants to share.

It’s OK to just say, “I’m so sorry you are going through this” and leave it at that. You could also say “Thank you for telling me this” or “I’m glad you are sharing this with me. I’ll be here to listen whenever you need to talk”.

Grieve with them

If you are also feeling grief because of the loss or in sympathy for your loved one, show it. Ask if they want company, and cry along with them. If you are hurting that you won’t get to meet the baby, share that with them and let them know their baby was precious. Miscarriages aren’t generally acknowledged as a loss by the community in the same way that other losses are, and that’s hard. Acknowledging the loss of their baby can make such a big difference.

If you are saddened watching your loved one grieve and go through the physical pain and challenges of miscarriage, it’s OK to say so. Let them know. “I wish you didn’t have to go through this. It’s so unfair”

Husbands and Boyfriends: Your Wife or Significant Other Needs to See Your Grief

You may feel that you need to stay strong in order to best support and care for your partner during their miscarriage. I think that is completely wrong! Now, I’m not suggesting you make up feelings you don’t have, or that you exaggerate your feelings. But if you are grieving too, let your loved one see that.

During my first miscarriage, my husband threw himself into taking care of the house and taking care of our living child. That was important, and looking back, I see that he was trying to care for me as best he knew how. But I felt incredibly alone. He didn’t seem to be upset in any way, and I felt like he didn’t care.

During my second miscarriage, he talked with me about how it hurt. I saw his eyes water as he held me while I cried. During that miscarriage, I felt seen and understood. I didn’t feel alone anymore. I’ve heard this from so many women, and I truly believe their partners are doing what they think is best to support their loved one. While picking up extra tasks around the home is helpful, your partner also needs to know that you are grieving too and to share that experience of loss with you.

Clean for them

One practical way to support a loved one experiencing miscarriage is to offer to clean for them. They’ll probably be more likely to take you up on it if you make a specific offer. For example, “Can I do your dishes for you?” or “May I weed your flower beds for you?”

My house felt like a wreck during my miscarriages. I felt physically awful, and combined with the grief, it was hard to do basic tasks at home. When family members offered to do dishes or laundry for me, pick up my son’s toys and vacuum, or even to water plants, that was so helpful.

It felt better having a clean home for a bit, and it freed up the energy that I did have for other tasks that couldn’t be done by someone else.

Run Errands

When going through a miscarriage, your loved one may not be able to run errands or may not feel like leaving their bed. If you’re running to the store, ask if there’s anything you can pick up for them. It’s a simple thing, but so helpful.

Care for Children or Pets

Living children and pets can both be big sources of comfort when going through loss, but they can also be demanding to care for. This is especially challenging if your loved one is a single mother going through miscarriage.

Offer to exercise the dogs and take them for a walk. Ask if they would like you to take their child on an outing so they have a bit of time to grieve openly or rest. Depending on your relationship to the woman going through the miscarriage, you might even offer to stay overnight to help with their child.

When I was going through my natural miscarriages, I wasn’t able to care for my son. Thankfully, my husband was able to be home both times, but my mother and sister-in-law were on stand-by during his workweek to come help me if I suddenly needed it. When I had my D&C’s, the procedures ended up being delayed later than I had planned, and my mother-in-law stayed with my son and put him to bed. Having a supportive group of family and friends around makes going through a miscarriage easier.

Watch Sports or Stream a Favorite Show Together

Sometimes after a miscarriage, you just want to try to feel normal again. A simple way to do that is to watch TV with a favorite snack and a friend. You don’t have to have a lot of energy to watch TV. Offer to come to watch with them at home, or for them to come to your place if they feel up to it. It can be nice to get out of the house, while still being in a safe place should grief unexpectedly hit you.

I say stream a favorite show, and not a new show, and that’s very important. Make sure that the show doesn’t have a pregnancy or loss or any references to infertility. Those things seem to ambush you everywhere in the early days after a miscarriage.

I remember clearly that I was watching Bluey with my son, which is a young children’s show that I thought would help lift my spirits too. Then, an episode came on that depicted Bluey’s aunt struggling with emotions due to her being unable to have children. Just like that, I was bawling again. Choose your TV watching carefully.

Suggest an Outing

Your loved one may need a chance to get a change of scenery. A trip to the coffee shop or a restaurant may help lift their spirits. My husband and I went axe-throwing after my first miscarriage. My first miscarriage was a prolonged and difficult experience. Let me tell you, throwing axes as hard as I could and hearing the thud as it hit the target was almost therapeutic.

Giving a Gift

A gift isn’t necessary, but it can be a sweet way to show that you care, especially if you don’t live near by. If you are looking for ideas of what would be a good gift for someone going through miscarriage or pregnancy loss, check out these ideas for a Miscarriage Care Package.

Remember their Due Date and Check in

Everyone moves on with their lives, but the Mom and Dad never forget that baby they lost. Every time I approach another due date, I struggle with grief all over again. If you know the due date or the month, set a reminder in your calendar. While a small gift or note would be nice, none of that’s necessary. Just check in and see how they are doing. Let them know that you remember. Unless you have gone through a miscarriage, you likely don’t realize how meaningful this is.

As the due date for our first miscarriage approached, it was all I could think about. It felt so lonely, as life went on for everyone else but I felt stuck in grief. Then, a friend who had also had a miscarriage in the past, called and asked how I was doing. I felt so cared for in that moment, and much less alone. It continues past that first year too.

Every time another due date rolls around, I can’t help thinking how old my baby would be. That I should be planning a birthday party and choosing birthday gifts. So please, check in with your loved one every so often to see how they are doing.

Things you shouldn’t say

It seems every person who has gone through a miscarriage has been told some things that were unintentionally hurtful. If you’ve read this far, I know that you care enough to want to be sure you avoid unintentionally hurting your loved one. Here are the things you shouldn’t say to a friend or family-member going through a pregnancy loss:

“It’s God’s plan” or “God wanted them early”

If you are tempted to say this to anyone, don’t. Also, if you are a Christian, examine your own theology. I think you will find that death, including the loss of our precious babes, is not God’s plan. God has permitted and continues to permit free will, which brought sin into the world and as a consequence, death. And when God makes all things new, death will not be a part of his new Earth. If you’re still not convinced, please read this.

“At least you can get pregnant”

“It’s better this way if there was something wrong with the baby”

“The timing wasn’t right”

“I know _ and she had miscarriages and has a baby now”

Now if this last statement is suggesting someone your loved one could reach out to for support, that’s OK. But don’t try to use this kind of statement to make them feel better right after their miscarriage has occurred. Believe me, if your loved one is ready to consider trying again and needs some encouragement, there are many resources to find stories like this on their own terms when they are ready.