Many people don’t speak openly about their miscarriages. I wish I could say I was different, but it is hard to talk about because it hurts. I do feel that it’s very important that we can be open about our experiences with miscarriage. It would help others to better understand and be more sensitive to those going through infertility and miscarriage (although there will always be some people who are just plain rude). Sharing with others about our miscarriages will also create better awareness and support for women who will have miscarriages in the future. One step I can take is to share my miscarriage experiences here with you. As of the writing of this article, I’ve had 4 miscarriages. Three of them were missed miscarriages, also known as silent miscarriages.
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Learning I had miscarried
My first pregnancy had been smooth, and my son was born. When I was pregnant for the second time, I was blissfully calm and unconcerned. I remember distinctly the first prenatal appointment. My midwife asked about any history of pregnancy loss, and I answered, “No, we’re just lucky I guess”. About 1 week later, I started with pink spotting whenever I had a bowel movement. Over the following week, the pink spotting continued and slightly increased. By then I was 11 weeks pregnant. I went in to the office to check on things, and they did a transabdominal ultrasound. The baby was far too small and there was no heartbeat. And all my illusions of peaceful, easy, safe pregnancy came crashing down.
Choosing medical management
I had to go for a transvaginal ultrasound a few days later to confirm, but we already knew. Wishing to avoid a procedure, I opted for conservative management. I was started on evening primrose oil, and a few days later I took misoprostol. That night I had bleeding, cramping, and spent a majority of the night on the toilet, but overall I didn’t have much pain. My electric heating pad was a good friend, helping to keep me comfortable.
I thought everything was going fine, but at my follow up a week later, they found that I had retained products of conception (RPOC). They felt that they could perhaps remove the RPOC in the office, but it was unsuccessful. And while I still wasn’t in pain, I left that visit bleeding so profusely that I sat on my dog’s towel for the car ride home. And of course, there was an accident and I was stuck in traffic.
Emergent D&C
I tried another round of misoprostol, but the retained products of conception were still there. While I was waiting for a scheduled dilation and curettage (D&C), I began to pass large clots. Some were the size of the palm of my hand. I finally ended up at the OB triage at the local hospital, where more unsuccessful attempts were made to manually remove the RPOC.
I ended up getting my D&C that night. After everything I’d been through, I tell you the truth, that D&C felt like the best sleep I’d had in a long time. I woke up cocooned in warm blankets and I was so comfortable. Over the next week I had very little bleeding and no pain.
Second Missed Miscarriage
6 months later, I was pregnant again but the feeling of dread was present from day 1. In fact, I was actually bleeding and spotting from the time of the positive pregnancy test. After waiting until week 8 for the ultrasound that finally confirmed my fears, I was just ready to be done. And after my first missed miscarriage experience, I opted for a D&C. Again, I had very little bleeding and no pain.
A Natural Miscarriage
My third miscarriage occurred naturally. I was 5 weeks pregnant, and just celebrated my birthday by spending my day off with my son and my parents. I returned home, settled my son down for a nap, and then I noticed the bright red bleeding. My husband came home from work to find me curled up on a chair with my dog, soaked in tears. Not the birthday celebration I was planning.
We had an upcoming early Christmas celebration with my husband’s side of the family. I decided I needed to stay home because I was having some cramping. Sadly, I felt a lot of guilt about the decision to stay home. I shouldn’t have felt guilty. I ended up miscarrying that day while my husband and son were away. By the time they came home, it was all over.
My experience with a natural miscarriage was, in some strange way, cathartic. Again, I was able to manage the pain with my electric heating pad and by knitting to distract myself. I cried, feeling the physical pain along with the emotional pain. Another day spent hunched over the toilet, bleeding and cramping. And when it was over, my body returned more quickly to normal than it had with my D&Cs.
Miscarriage #4
After a promising 6 week ultrasound, my fifth pregnancy was found to be another missed miscarriage when the 8 week ultrasound showed no growth and no heartbeat. Having already experienced nearly every way to have a miscarriage, at least I was no longer feeling lost or overwhelmed. There was deep grief, but this was, unfortunately, familiar territory. I decided that I would prefer to wait and have another miscarriage naturally.
I started evening primrose oil, and about a week later some cramping began. This miscarriage drug out. For three days, I had mild cramping each evening but then it would go away when I fell asleep. Finally on night 4, the cramping was for real, and I spent most of the night passing blood, clots, and tissue. I thought I was done, but not quite. The same thing happened the next two nights. That final night I was desperate from exhaustion, but I had my station all set up on the couch. My heating pad, my relaxing light, ear buds, my knitting, phone charger, drinks and M&Ms in easy reach, and Scrubs turned on for binge-watching. That final night was mercifully brief, with all the cramps and bleeding ending by midnight.
What would I choose?
It may sound odd, but if I do need to go through another miscarriage, I would still prefer a natural miscarriage. There is something comforting about being at home. Frequent hugs from my son, nighttime vigils with my husband, my favorite blanket. I pray that I never need to make that decision again.