I’m currently pregnant after 5 miscarriages in a row. We’ve just entered the third trimester. I can feel the baby moving every day. And yet, I don’t feel any excitement about this pregnancy. And while that makes me a little sad, it’s OK to feel this way. If you are going through pregnancy after loss, and you aren’t as excited as you thought you would be, I want you to know that that is completely normal. We’ll get through this together, too.
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I never expected it to be this way. Admittedly, I was wracked with anxiety during the entire first trimester… when I wasn’t completely ignoring the fact that I was pregnant. After all, it seemed impossible to believe that this would end in anything other than a first trimester loss again. But I thought that once I got past the gestational age of my losses, I would begin to feel more attached, more excited. I was definitely less anxious once I reached the second trimester, but I still didn’t feel excited. In fact, it was like I had only finally begun to realize that I was pregnant. I’d look down and see my small bump, and feel like it wasn’t real.
Family and close friends have been a wonderful support. They have been my listening ears when I needed them, and they’ve been understanding of my emotions. When we celebrated Christmas as a family, my father asked me if I felt the baby moving a lot. I told him that I did. And then I told him about how sad I was that even with this movement, I wasn’t feeling excited about this pregnancy. I love that others are excited about my baby, but I just wish that I could feel it too. And I cried, and my dad sat with me and held my hand.
I loved that my coworkers were so excited after the anatomy scan to hear that we were having a girl, but I felt like I had a big, fake smile plastered on my face. When people find out we’re expecting, they are so happy for us. And I just feel like I’m trying my hardest to mirror their excitement, but it’s so hollow. Sometimes I think my facial expressions must look so stupid, when people are talking about or asking about my pregnancy. I’m just trying my best each week, and that’s OK. It’s OK that I’m not excited right now. Those who have been through this kind of loss will understand, and if the others don’t, that’s OK too.
I feel like my brain has been rewired to protect me from loss. Perhaps it’s a coping mechanism, I don’t know. It’s not like I wouldn’t still grieve deeply if I lost this baby too. It would be heartbreaking. Yet, that joy of pregnancy has been stolen from me. I grieve the babies I lost, and I grieve the loss of the joyful pregnancy that I feel I should have had.
I’ve been taking small steps forward, small steps that feel like giant leaps. The first one was putting my maternity clothes in my closet. It was a very emotional decision, as in a previous pregnancy, I had just hung up my maternity clothes a few days before we found out that we had miscarried at 11 weeks. The next big challenge was the decision to buy myself a pregnancy pillow. I told my husband when I ordered it, and it felt like a big leap of faith to order something for this pregnancy.
Finally, in the second trimester and trying to make my pregnancy seem like reality, we told my son about the pregnancy. Then, I tried wearing maternity clothing in public. I did immediately regret it, and tried to hide a bit, but eventually I started to get more comfortable with the idea that others might see that I was pregnant.
Finally, while Christmas shopping, I purchased new matching straw cups for my son and the new baby. It gave me a small bit of joy to purchase something for this child. And it’s still making me smile briefly when I see the cup in the drawer or when my son uses his cup.
If you are feeling like me during your pregnancy after loss, you may be wondering if you will feel love for this baby once it’s born. Well, don’t worry. I know that you will be a good mom and you will feel that love for your baby! In fact, you will appreciate your baby in a way that other mothers can’t understand. A mother’s love and bond with her baby is a special thing. Skin-to-skin contact and cuddling with the baby will cause oxytocin to be produced in both mothers and fathers, creating special love for their baby.
But on top of all that, you will feel how deeply precious this child is. Others may take their children and their ability to have more children for granted. But you and I know that this child, this long-awaited gift, is a precious and irreplaceable blessing! There will still be tough days, and moments where you might want to pull out your hair, but through it all, there will be love and a sense of gratefulness for this precious little one that is finally yours!